What's this about?

Q: Aren't triathlon and most endurance events (running, etc...) mostly about competing against ourselves? Becoming Better, stronger, faster, like the six million dollar man without the bionics?
A: Screw that wimpy attitude. I'm doing this triathlon for one simple reason, to kick my brother Leon's skinny ass. And while I'm at it, I might as well find out if it's time to send my senile old Uncle Jose to the seniors home.

Q: Geez, you're a grumpy SOB aren't you?
A: Yes. Yes, I am. Basically, this all started after my older, skinnier, supposedly more athletic brother started ragging on me when I was training to do my 1st Half-marathon last year (October 17th, 2004). Getting back into shape after a decade of Doritos and May Wests (a quebecoise delicacy even better than poutine) I was just hoping to complete it in one piece. He was ranting that he could run it in 5 minute miles. Which of course would make him the winner. Since then, he has recanted and claimed that he said he could do 1 mile at that pace. Obviously, I still don't believe him. That combined with him saying that he could beat me in any race, at any time was starting to really piss me off...

Of course, his idea of any race at any time means that if it's convenient and I happen to catch him at the start line, then maybe he'll do it. Obviously, he wouldn't do the half marathon with me to prove what a big shot he was. I'de have to bring the race to him. The only races I know that he's ever competed in were triathlons, but he never told me what event or how well he did. So, I figured that maybe one day I could compete with him in a triathlon, but how fast would I need to be? How many years (Decades?) untill I could come close to his performance? So, I went to the source and googled his name + triathlon. Bingo, results from 3 of his triathlons. And how did dear brother do?

DFL. Dead F'n Last! Not once, but twice! Hey, I may be shorter, fatter, and better looking but I figure I could match DFL anyday. To help ensure that Leon wouldn't find an excuse to get out of this race, I enlisted my senile Uncle who had done 3 triathlons with Leon already. Figuring that if I brought him in, Leon couldn't possibly refuse. It's too bad that my Uncle, who is relatively nice, will now have to suffer the worst beating of his life. Well, at least since his older brother caught him with their maid (but, that's another story).

OK, so the race is on for July 17th. A sprint Triathlon 750m swim, 20 km bike, 5 km run. To be honest, I don't expect to beat them. They are both experienced cyclists, while I haven't been on a bike since I was 12. And my swimming is even worse. Just counting on my run to keep me close at the end.